written 2/24/07
This will either make perfect sense to you or you'll wonder what the heck I could possibly be thinking--I don't suspect there will be a lot of in between thinking about this whole thing. OK, here goes.
I keep rediscovering that I'm smart. Does that make any sense? If it does, you'll understand the rest of this easily. If it doesn't, well, it might not be quite as clear but I'd encourage you to give it a try because it might be helpful to know this to be supportive to other people in your life.
This starts back when I was in the 8th or 9th grade. I had a guidance counselor who told me I wasn't bright enough to go to college so I should take practical classes that would help me earn a living after I graduated from high school. Why would he say that if I was smart? Well, like so many children, it was a combination of depression, boredom, and being distracted by big stuff like my parents' divorce and being sexually molested. Anyway, paying attention in class really wasn't high on my list of priorities. I've always envied people who could face adversity with strength and determination but it took me a while to get the hang of it--about 25 or so years (well, that's from the time the depression set in). Now that I've figured it out, though, I'm much better at it. Anyway, I was quite willing to accept what he said at face value and obediently took secretarial courses so I could support myself when I graduated from high school. Add to that a family who assumed I wouldn't go to college and the myth began
That sets the stage for why I continued to think I wasn't very bright. I surrounded myself with people who reinforced that belief. I married a man who wanted me to believe it so he could control me. When he allowed me to work (yes, I really did say that!) I worked for people who encouraged me to believe that. My friends weren't the kind of people who went around trying to lift others up. It went on and on.
[I started this several weeks ago--then I got the flu and didn't do much for quite a while. I saw this in here this morning and decided to finish it up and post it. So it was begun 2/24 and finished 3/17.]
Then there was the physical part of depression. I was so exhausted all the time I took to heart every time my father told me how lazy I was. I'll freely admit I'm frequently self-indulgent but I've NEVER been lazy.
Fast forward to a time in my life when I took a psychological evaluation. No one told me a part of that would be intelligence testing but it was. When the psychologist did the follow-up consultation to explain everything to me she said my IQ was 138. I know, I know, Stanford Binet Intelligence Quotient tests have come under scrutiny for their inaccuracy but they are generally in the ball park. What I knew from reading was that 135 was considered genius! Good grief. How could a test be so wrong? See? I still wasn't thinking "smart." I was thinking that I wasn't smart so the test must be flawed.
That was 20 years ago and I've spent a lot of time on personal growth and development and I still have to remind myself that I'm smart. It gets easier every day but there are still times when it sneaks up on me and surprises the living daylights out of me.
I suspect I had a point when I started writing but, as with most journals, I get to rambling and then it just because whatever it becomes. This will hopefully become a just another reminder, possibly made stronger by virtue of writing it down rather than just thinking it.
Be happy today!
Yea I made it here...finally!
It is so striking to me that some of the brilliant folks tend to think they are stupid...and some of the stupid folks tend to think they are smart. Hmmmmmmm...I can think of some politicians who are pretty stupid and they think they are brilliant. Mind numbing for sure.
You, though...brilliant...absolutely brilliant!
Posted by: Lynne Morrell | March 22, 2007 at 06:02 PM