The Journey

Vacation update

I might do something a little more in-depth after I get home from the vacation and have time to process but so far I've had lunch with my mother (went exceptionally well), the big family party that went as expected--great fun, great food, not a serious discussion in sight--spent the night at my sister's (always a very good thing), and spent a few semi-uncomfortable hours of up-close and personal time with my father (well, his wife and my step-sister were there, too, but still way too personal), and then hours and hours at the Mall of America with daughter, SIL, his two kids and my two grandkids--all good kids and lots of fun and still a little stressful just because there were so many of us and there's always a little drama with that many women in one place (three of the younger set are girls/women). 

Anyway, no crises, nothing overly dramatic, just a good family visit.  Today I get time with my daughter and SIL going to museums and shopping--always a fun thing to do.  I'm looking forward to it! 

It just occurs to me that I may have been having less fun than I could because I keep waiting for the stress--what a not fun way to spend my vacation.  I'm not quite sure how to stop having expectations--not sure if I want to--well, one more thing to ponder.

Minnesota Visit

I'm in Minnesota for the next week.  I arrived late last night and I'll be here until Wednesday. 

Just a couple of observations about this trip--first, I'm thrilled to be able to spend time with my daughter, her significant other, and my granddaughters.  I love the rest of my family, too, but it's just a little stressful to see most of the rest of them.  Actually, the only stress is around my parents.  I see my mother today for lunch (that's her idea of how we should visit when I see her once every year or two--we spend an hour together having lunch in a restaurant).  I see my father tomorrow at a family gathering--that's the best way to see him. 

My dad's kind of funny--OK, I don't see him as a funny person but the funny thing about him is that he spends all his time with me telling me all about how wonderful my sisters are and telling me what I should do to be successful.  Here's the funny part--he does the same thing with them--so, they're hearing all the good things about me and I'm hearing all the good things about them.  I still have a ton of work I'm doing to get past my feelings of inadequacy but in the meantime, it's the least stressful to see him in a big group. 

I'm really looking forward to this trip.  Mike (that's my daughter's significant other) has actually taken time off work so he can spend time with me--he likes me--I REALLY like him, too.  Hurray!

Talk to you more as the trip progresses, I hope.

Flying First Class

A while back I promised I would tell you more about flying first class.  As I prepare for my coach flight o Minnesota I find myself reflecting back on that experience so here it is.

If you haven't done it before, you really should give it a try if you ever have the opportunity.  I was totally pampered for the whole flight.  Before we even took off the flight attendant was taking drink orders--oh, and there was no big clanky cart for us--no, the flight attendant (her name was Joan) took our orders and went up to the galley, prepared them, and brought them back on a little tray.  No little alcohol bottles for us--our drinks were made for us and served in glass glasses, not plastic. 

As soon as it was safe for the flight attendants to be out of their seats they were taking drink orders again.  I have to confess I didn't order a drink the first time around because I wasn't sure of the protacol and my seat partner (who REALLY didn't want to talk) wasn't ordering anything so I just waited and watched.  No money was changing hands so I decided there must not be a charge.  I wouldn't have minded paying for a drink but my money was in my briefcase and I didn't want to have to be digging for it.  Anyway, I finally ordered something to drink as Joan came around asking if we would like mixed nuts.  She had a stack of little ceramic bowls with perfectly straight sides so they would stack comfortably.  I said I would like some and she put the little bowl on my tray and it was hot--so were the nuts!  They were wonderful!  Oh, and there wasn't a peanut to be found in those mixed nuts.  No, just cashews, hazelnuts, and pistachios--how lovely.  Then it got better.  She came back around with little hot towels to wipe our greasy little fingers on.  How cool is that?

As Joan came around to pick up our little towels, she told us our choices for dinner.  I opted for the croissant with ham and cheese.  It came on a tray with a tiny tablecloth on it.  The sandwich was on a glass plate with a salad that had an artichoke heart, Greek olive, and a lovely Greek dressing.  There was real silverware and a tiny, little wine glass which Joan was more than happy to refill as often as we wanted with the wine she carried in napkin-wrapped bottles. 

Oh, and the seats were butter-soft leather, wide enough to be comfortable and far enough apart to be able to have at least six inches between my knees and the seat in front of me.  That meant the seats could actually recline quite a ways without interfering with the person behind.  It was more like I remember airplanes being when I first flew 30 years ago.  No, the seats weren't leather but they were five across where they are now six across and there was leg room so the seats could recline enough to notice the difference.

The final luxury was a plate of chocolate chip cookies still hot from the oven.  I don't think they were reheated because they were still soft and gooey in the middle but even if that was the case, they tasted freshly made and that really is all that counts, isn't it? 

After such a lovely meal and a couple of Baileys, I leaned back and napped for the last half of the trip.  It was quiet and.....I don't know how to say this but it had to do with not feeling surrounded by people.  There was enough "breathing room" that I didn't feel I couldn't move. 

I may never be content to fly coach again and the good news is that I know I will have enough money to fly first class whenever I really want to.  It's only money, after all, right?  If you ever get the chance, take advantage of it.

Enjoy!

Hyatt Regency Disaster!

(written 5/9)

The closer I get to my trip to Minnesota, the more I find myself thinking about my experience at the hotel in Chicago.  Actually, I have no idea why one has anything to do with the other but the closer I get to traveling, the more I think about the awful Hyatt Regency experience.  I don't like to hang on to cranky feelings--they do nothing but pull me down--so I do my best to let those thoughts go.  It's not working with this one! 

I've decided to get it all out and then I can just let it go and I don't have to think about it at all any more.  Is this lying to myself?  I don't know.  I wouldn't do it if I thought it was but I'm not very rational about this because I felt totally cheated.  OH, WAIT!  I just got an ah ha--actually a HUGE AH HA!!!.  It's the money!!! 

First I'll tell you the highlights of the disappointing aspects of the stay there (just the highlights, not all of it by any means).

• I had been told I was getting a 450 square foot, non-smoking room with 2 double beds.  They originally had me in a smoking room but they switched me to a non-smoking room that barely held a king-sized bed, desk, and dresser--no dining table, no occasional chair, miniature bathroom with a small shower and pedestal sink.
• I ordered the clam chowder from room service and when they brought it the clam chowder was full of tomatoes--Manhattan clam chowder.  I called them to complain that they didn't say it was that style and rather than saying they were sorry I misunderstood what the soup was, the woman on the other end of the phone said, "Well, that's what you ordered." 
• There was no free high speed Internet, either wired or wireless.  When I paid for the connection I discovered the connection worked in my room but not down where the conference was.
• There was a charge for the business center.
• There wasn't a single table in the lobby that I could use between the time I had to check out of my room and a reasonable time to take the shuttle to the airport.
• The website said there were several restaurants to choose from--that has been changed since I returned from Chicago--apparently it was out of date.  What they actually have is one over-priced cafe and a noisy bar that serves food.
• The conference center served an overpriced breakfast, lunch, and dinner for those of us who didn't want to try to get service in an undersized restaurant.  Fruit (a banana, an orange, or an apple) was $2.25.  A lukewarm, half-cooked, processed hamburger patty on a cold bun was $6.  The little bag of chips that went with it were $2.50.  A bottle of water was $2.75.  All of this was served on a paper plate and we got to stand in line to pay for it and for the first entire day we could go back into the conference room to eat in the same place we had been listening to speakers for the last 4 hours or stand.   After that they set up enough tables for 100 people (there were 1000 at the conference).
• The bed wasn't fully made the entire time I was there.  The first time I got into bed I removed the decorative pillows and a throw at the foot of the bed.  It was never put back the whole time I was there.  No, not a big thing but this is one of the things that got me thinking it was about the money.  More on that later.
• No DVD player in the TV and relatively limited television channels for viewing (I think there were about 10 channels available that didn't include sports, news, or shopping).  I was afraid to find out what it would cost to rent a movie.
• Oh, I should feel fortunate I flew in and didn't rent a car--the sign outside the entrances that parking was $28 a day!

Initially I was just upset that a hotel with such a giant reputation would nickel and dime their guests.  What finally hit me was that I thought that when I paid $200 a night for a room (that didn't include the 13% tax rate).  Actually, some of the nights the room was $239, some of them it was $199, and the few nights I was able to get at the conference rate were $179.  That's a lot of money no matter how you look at it. 

When I contrast this stay with the stay at the lovely hotel my daughter and I stayed at in Nashville, I think that may have been part of what had me upset.  In Nashville we stayed in a suite that had a huge bedroom and a living room with a sofa bed (actually, it was a very comfortable sofa bed).  There was an enormous bathroom with double sinks a big tub and a very generous closet.  There were dressers in both the living room and the bedroom with a television in each of the rooms.  The high speed wireless internet was free, there was a mini-fridge, microwave, and bar sink.  Actually, the atrium-style architecture was the same as the Hyatt with identical glass elevators.  The parking was free.  The staff was incredibly responsive and helpful.  For that we paid $100 a night!  I know Nashville isn't Chicago, that there may be a difference in the cost of hotel rates.  I am having a hard time imagining that much of a difference. 

Now, here's the dilemma.  What do I do now?  Do I tell myself that shoddy accommodations are just a fact of life and I shouldn't be upset that I paid so much for such poor service?  Is this because I am living in scarcity mode and I feel cheated because it cost so much for the room?  Hmmmm, interesting--I think many people would be comfortable knowing whether or not it makes sense to feel upset by what I experienced so I'm not sure why I don't.  This could be a good clue to some of my big issues--I just don't know what it's a clue to.  I'm going to have to keep all this in mind as I go through my growth process--no clue what it means but I'm glad I couldn't get it out of my head.  It was there for a reason other than feeling whiny about it.

Clothing, Size, and Me

When I was at the EMP in Seattle there was a woman who was there to see the exhibits who was considerably larger than me and she was wearing shorts and a sleeveless tank top.  She seemed completely at ease with her body and her attire.  I am not a small woman and even when I was a size 18 I wouldn't have worn a sleeveless blouse let alone shorts!  I don't think I've worn either since well before I graduated high school!

What has this to do with anything, you ask?  Simply that I'm not certain where I stand on the whole body image/clothing appropriate for body shape issue.  Is it a good thing to feel comfortable enough with my body that I can wear a sleeveless blouse when I have flabby arms?  Am I better off feeling that people probably don't want to see my flabby upper arms exposed to the sun?  Do I wear the clothing I wear to be sensitive to they sensibilities of others or because it's what I'm comfortable wearing?  Do I even want to wear something different than what I wear?  Do I not want to because I'm ashamed of my body?

Well, that's a whole crapload of questions I have no answers to!  Here's what I DO know.  I know I am not comfortable with my body size or shape.  I am not comfortable having people see me in clothing they might consider inappropriate for someone my size.  I am not comfortable wearing clothing I consider inappropriate for someone my size.

Not too sure where this is going.  I think I would like to be able to be comfortable wearing whatever I want to wear.  I know I want to totally not care what anyone else wears!  It's a worthy goal ^_^

Enjoy!

Another Joyful Experience

(written 5/9)

I had an experience of joy and passion while viewing Renoir's Two Sisters at the Chicago Institute of Art and determined I needed to find more opportunities to experience that feeling of joy--that feeling of being totally alive in that moment.  Oh!  That's what it was!  I was thinking neither of the past nor the future--I was thinking only of that very exact moment in time.  I was experiencing that heartbeat of time.  Wow!

Well, I had that same sense of joy when I was in Seattle for a client event that took place at the Experience Music Project (also home of the Science Fiction Museum).  The location alone is enough to bring a smile to my face but when I was there handling registration for the event I was sitting right inside the front door on their Open Access night.  One night a month EMP opens their doors from 5:00 to 8:00 with no admission charge.  I don't know who goes to the museum during the hours when people pay to enter but I know there was more diversity passing through those doors in 20 minutes than I have seen in Bremerton (where I live) in the three years I've lived here!  I'm truly not joking!

While I sat there I experienced that same sense of joy, of being in the moment, of feeling lifted up.  The only times I moved away from that feeling was when I was talking to the EMP staff about moving to Seattle and that was still a pretty darned joyful experience.  My motivation to move has been boosted so much higher than it was.  My spending has just changed and I will be much more frugal until I have the money I need to make my move!  This is too important to allow myself to fritter away the money on transitory, experiential whims.  No!  I have a dream and a goal and I will have my apartment in Seattle--I WILL!

Go be joyful!

Walking

(written 5/7)

I forgot to tell you about walking while I was in Chicago!  I was walking every day to get ready for my Chicago trip--how did that work out?  Well, I spent three hours walking around the Institute of Art, I walked several blocks to and from the subway, and then I walked around the airport (I transferred from the train to a shuttle to get back to my hotel) for a while.  Yes, I was tired and my feet (and back and knees, and hips) were killing me but I did it and I couldn't have done that even a month before!  It was pretty exciting! 

I haven't been as good about walking since I got home but it took me about a week to recover from the frenetic pace of the trip and then I just got lazy.  I'm doing a little better now. 

I just got a book from the library I'm hoping will help me get going on yoga.  I'll remember to let you know if it works for me so you can either get it for yourself or recommend it to other people who have trouble getting down on the floor (you never realize how much yoga is done on the floor until you watch the DVD).  I have a plan to cover that--I'm going to start doing yoga in bed.  The woman who wrote the book, Peggy Cappy, was on a program I saw on public television and she does "Yogo for the Rest of Us."  I love that whole concept--she says that you don't have to do it perfectly and you don't have to do everything, you just have to stretch and do what you can.  As long as you do what you can, you will benefit from it.  I'm really looking forward to this.

Enjoy!

Now What Do I Do?

I've been looking at apartments online--in preparation for my future move to Seattle.  I've looked up the apartments on the very cool Google map that shows the satellite view.  I've worked out budgets that show how much money I need to earn each month to rent one of those apartments.  I decided I liked the ones with the washer/dryer in the apartment.  It was all very good.  I knew I was going to have to save a lot of money to be able to pay that whole first/last/deposit thing--in addition to paying the rent on my apartment here for that transition month, renting a truck for moving, not to mention moving muscle.  I figured I was looking at a move in August or September.  Sounded good.

Then I screwed up totally.  Today I was accidentally looking at that same cool Google map and I clicked on something I hadn't clicked on before and I saw something that led me to do something else, and pretty soon, before I knew what had happened, I had called a couple of the apartment buildings that weren't listed on that online apartment finder.  The first one was easy--the apartment was too small, too expensive, no view of anything, no washer or dryer--basically not an apartment I would want to live in.  Then I called the second one, though.  Mary, the apartment manager, told me she had two units available, a studio with den and a one-bedroom with den.  The one-bedroom was far too expensive for my budget but the studio with den was 600 square feet (I think that may be larger than the one-bedroom apartment I had just before this one and it may be only  50 or so square feet smaller than my two-bedroom apartment.  It's on the sixth floor, has views of the water  AND the mountains, a washer and dryer in the apartment, and, well, it sounds perfect!  Crap!  Oh, and it's available June 5th.  I can't do June 5th.  I need to have at least one more month to have the money for the move.

I talked to my sister, Carla, about it and she suggested I ask if I could have until the 15th.  I thought about it and if I am amazingly disciplined and work my butt off the rest of this month I might be able to swing it.  I'm going to go look at it on Wednesday.  Maybe it will be too small/poorly maintained/ugly....  Maybe Mary will say I don't have the right kind of references or the deposits will be too high.  Then again, maybe she'll really like me and want me to move in and help me make it work.

I'm scared and excited and wondering if I'm jumping into this too quickly.  I have a nasty habit of doing that.  Well, I only have a couple of days to figure out whether or not I'm moving too fast because that's when I need to ask if I can get what I need to even possibly make it work. 

I'll let you know.

Mother's Day

My mother's Mother's Day came early this year because my sister who goes to visit her quite regularly has a big weekend schedule at church on the actual Mother's Day.  Carla (that's the sister) took her three hanging plants from her three children--not terribly imaginative but she likes hanging baskets and she has everything in the world!  Anyway, I got this email last Saturday:

Hi,

Sending pics of my beautiful Mother's Day gifts!!!  It was pretty windy and cloudy out there, but they turned out in spite of the weather.  Just randomly picked one from each.  Hope you approve of your purchase.  Thanks so much.  I love them.  (& you)

Love,
Mom

The reference to picking one from each is that the photos had our names on them, indicating which plant came from which daughter. 

To some of you this may seem like a very acceptable thank you note for a gift, others may think it a bit distant, and still others might see it as warm and touching.  How did I see it?  I cried.  It's the first time I can ever remember my mother saying she loved me.  Oh, sure, she sometimes signs cards and special emails "Luv, Mom" and occasionally "Love, Mom" but she said "I love them.  (& you)." 

I feel so fabulous that she said that and at the same time I feel just a little angry with myself that I feel so grateful for such a small show of affection.  I wish I didn't feel so needy.  I wish I had a mother who told me she loved me because she happened to be talking to me or because she remembered something I said and she appreciated it.  I wish it didn't matter to me.  I wish I could be philosophical about the whole thing and understand that she would say it if she weren't so emotionally closed off.  Mostly I wish I could feel like a grownup at times like this rather than a needy child. I wish I could love her and not want her to love me back.

So here I am on Mother's Day, feeling sad that I'm not quire sure whether my mother loves me.

Anxiety Strikes Again

I went looking for more apartments for rent in Seattle--online for now--and found some really fabulous ones.  I can do this--I really can.  I did the budget numbers and at the very bottom of what I have set as a goal for earnings each month, I can afford the move and still have a little "slush fund" money left over. 

So, why am I so anxious about this?  It makes no sense.  This is the part that feels like it keeps me nailed to this place, to my life as it is rather than my life as I know it could be.  I don't know how to get there.  Maybe today I just need to acknowledge that I feel like crap and allow the feelings instead of beating myself up over feeling like this.  We'll see.  I'll try to remember to tell you how I'm feeling tomorrow.